The Conservative Soldier

As United Airlines spirals toward another bankruptcy, I mostly feel sorry for the aging former standard bearer. What can any airline do to stem the rising tsunami of jet fuel costs?

Everywhere you turn, there are signs of an empire in decline, crumbling. United’s decision several years back to re-paint its fleet and switch to a cleaner, blue-white skin has saddled the carrier with an identity crisis. Some planes look fresh and new (though we know better), while others are tired and decrepit in their old, gray skin. More often than not, the white all-caps lettering is chipped and shabby on those still awaiting fresh paint jobs.

Perhaps they are all crazy for overspending on elaborate exteriors, but there is no question that an airline’s image is enhanced when its planes are pleasing to the eye. Frontier and its stunning wildlife images comes to mind. Or US Airways, which is painting the tails of Airbus aircraft in the logos of now-defunct carriers it has absorbed over the years, such as Allegheny and PSA. Seeing those old brands takes you back to an era of commercial aviation that was far superior and perhaps gone forever.

More observations about United during a quick weekend trip to Washington, D.C.:

In the Red Carpet Club at Chicago’s O’Hare Airport the cups and saucers have been removed from the shelves of the various coffee stations. Only Styrofoam cups remain. Some bean counter must have decided too much money was being wasted washing the china.

Conversely, and oddly, real knives are back in the first-class meal service. So I guess we are not all suspects, after all.

At check-in at Washington-Reagan Airport, signs direct fliers with elite frequent-flier status to special lines but most bear an ominous secondary sign indicating, Position Closed. This is not at 6 a.m. This is at 4 p.m. on a busy Sunday afternoon. After using the automated kiosk to check-in, receive boarding cards and request baggage tags, the two agents in charge of so-called “elite status” passengers ignore me for 10 minutes while staring into computer monitors. United desperately wants all of us to be self-sufficient in the airports, but can’t manage to close the deal by tagging bags efficiently for its top customers.

Aboard UA 627 to Chicago on Sunday, there is no effort to greet arriving passengers cordially as we board the aircraft to find our upgraded seats (remember, passengers pay for these upgrade segments, either with real cash or by logging tens of thousands of annual air miles). No attendant appears with an offer to place a jacket over a hanger. A request by a fellow passenger for a pre-flight beer is declined. Only water and orange juice in plastic cups. What a joke.

Before take-off, an arrogant flight attendant announces over the PA that the “safety video” will be re-played because too many passengers ignored it the first time. Give me a break. If there is an emergency, all of the flight attendants will be in the back of the aircraft on cell phones, talking to their union reps about personal damage claims.

And, in flight, passengers are scolded on UA 627 about not sitting down when the Fasten Seat Belts indicators are illuminated. They are reminded by the stern toned flight attendant that it is “an FAA regulation”. Is this not the same FAA that recently was charged with allowing more than 100 aircraft inspection directives to be ignored by the airlines? What semi-intelligent commercial aviation passenger regards the FAA as a legitimate entity toward which we must bow in reverence?

I doubt even the novice flier is intimidated by the looming consequences of ignoring the hypocritical FAA. Everyone knows the Fasten Seat Belts indicators are primarily used to keep passengers out of the aisles, allowing wide-girthed flight attendants an unimpeded path as they march, eyes forward, to their galley hide-outs.

The bottom line is, I can’t wait for upstart Virgin America to begin its Chicago service. I am willing to bet that an airline with British DNA never will serve its tea and coffee in Styrofoam, and likely will go easy on the FAA intimidation tactics. I hear the plane’s interiors have mood lighting, which will most certainly be an improvement over the bad moods inside United’s planes.